Alien abduction survival guide
So what is the chance of being abducted by aliens? Very small unless you have the IQ of a lemon, are wearing a tinfoil hat and are obsessively paranoid. However if you are this type of person then this guide is for you.
First and foremost the main issue to deal with if you have been abducted is do they speak English? If they do then you are screwed. They will be monitoring our television broadcasts and will know a significant amount about us. At this point I suggest throwing yourself on the mercy of the aliens. However if they don't speak English then you are in with a fighting chance. In this article are four cards that can be printed out and carried with you at all times. In the event of an alien abduction showing these to your captors will not only allow for a rudimentary exchange of ideas but they may very well save your life.
Imagine you are lying on a cold metal table in their spaceship. Fear grips you as you don't know what will happen next. They may be peaceful or they may think the Alien movies were a documentary series. But why should you be the only one afraid? Showing the the bluffing card and making appropriate gestures involving their heads exploding may make them think twice about any hostile actions. After all the last thing the alien captain wants on his ships log is that several crew members heads were turned inside out by a technologically inferior species.
Now that we have established a wary truce with our captors it is important to take the initiative and state what you don't want done to you. The first thing that springs instantly to mind is alien probing. Why they would want to probe us is left entirely to the imagination however I guarantee it won't be pleasant. Show them the probing card and they should get the message. If necessary the bluffing card can be used as well.
As we have often seen in movies they may be investigating the option of cross breeding humans and aliens. If you get the feeling that things are heading in this direction then by all means use the mating card. By using this card you are telling them that your potential mate will have to meet certain standards. It is a win win situation. If they can't meet your incredibly high standards then you have probably just saved Earth. If by some miracle they do then at least you will be mating with your dream girl.
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The abduction process should now be coming to a close and hopefully you will be parting on amicable terms. However don't forget that this was a cultural exchange of sorts so remember to play this final card. A small token would show that there are no hard feelings and who knows you may just come out ahead in the exchange. So now you are back down on Earth and the alien abduction is but a fading memory (probably due to those alien drugs that got you to mate well below your standards). The best thing to do now is get this all documented on paper for that award winning book. Let me assure you that there will be no shortage of people wanting to buy it.
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